I don’t feel strong and I don’t feel brave.
I do, however, feel a healthy dose of self-loathing and selfishness. It wasn’t easy to write that post, but it felt sort of whiney and I’m not sure I really articulated what I’m feeling, what I’m struggling with some days.
It’s not so much about babies anymore. I realize that now. Well, sometimes it’s a little about babies. I won’t lie about that. But I’m almost 40 years old, my husband is careening toward 55, and even if I badgered my husband we could agree to adopt, by the time we got through that long process, God knows how old we’ll be and I don’t think it’s fair to bring a baby into a home where his father may not be around to see him or her graduate from high school. That’s one thing we agree on. That’s important to my husband and it’s important to me.
Honestly, at this point, I think it’s more about me looking at my life and wondering what my legacy will be. More to the point: What have I done? What do I have to show for my life? How have I mattered? I know it sounds sort of grandiose or self-serving but I’d like to to think I’ve done more with my life than amass a fabulous shoe collection (it is fabulous, though!).
I selfishly also wonder sometimes because my husband is 15 years older than I am, who will be around when I get old? Who will take care of me? Will it be his boys? I don’t know. They have their own mothers and they will have their own families to take care of. Procreate to have someone take care of me? Not exactly a good reason to have kids.
But there’s still more to it than that. (I’m not that shallow.)
Let’s face it, there is a little bit of a stigma about women who don’t have children. People wonder, Why doesn’t she? What’s wrong with her? It’s as if you have a sign stamped on your forehead saying that you’re not a nurturing, loving human being. Other women have asked me how I could possibly be fulfilled without a child. I admit, since I have some of my own issues with this, I’m sure I’m projecting a little bit. But not a lot. It’s been easier over the years to let people assume that I can’t have children. Asking a woman about having kids, especially if she’s over 35, is a big taboo. I’ve gladly hidden behind that.
But being a women without kids, whether by circumstance or choice, can be a little isolating sometimes. I’ve been to parties and events for my husband’s job over the years and have been ignored or “shunned” (for lack of a better word) by women whose lives have revolved around their children, whether they’ve worked or not. There are some wives who just have no idea how to have a conversation with me. What do you talk about with a woman who hasn’t raised kids? Apparently, the answer to that is: Nothing. I know that’s their problem and not mine, but it gets under my skin. It works on me like a scab I have to pick.
And that’s when I have meltdowns. That’s when I’m mean and angry and wanna kick some ass.
Marriage is full of negotiation and compromise. I’ve done my share of both, but so has my husband. I knew what I was getting into when I got married. I knew what the circumstances were and I know my husband well enough to know that I can’t bully him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. I’ve tried, though! And I know he’s come close to caving. And I know he would resent me if he did.
Yes, I’ve grown up and am a different person now than when I met my husband. My priorities have changed, but I also know that if I really felt compelled to choose—husband or baby?—I would have left years ago. That’s important for my husband to know (I know you’re reading!)
What I need to figure out now is what is my life about? Right now? Not much. I haven’t been a great wife in some ways. I work a lot and go home and flop in the couch and watch Rock of Love Bus (and American Idol, Lost, Brothers & Sisters, etc.). I don’t even go to the gym often anymore, something that I used to love doing if for no reason than I could blow off the stress of the day.
I think of people like Debra who actively go out and look for ways to volunteer in their community. I think of Lesley, who went on a quest to find a home for a stray dog she found. These are not small things. I’m not saying my life is a waste, but I don’t feel like I’m doing all that I can. I’m working on being a better wife. I’m trying to be a better friend, and I’m trying to find ways to make a difference.
I don’t know if this makes any sense—even to me. I’m sounding it out and feeling my way.
For all I know, this is something women feel regardless of whether or not they have children? I dunno. But I’d be curious to find out.
