Another Post In Which I Chronicle My Love/Hate Relationship With Costco

I have a long-standing love/hate relationship with Costco. They have just about everything I could ever want there, but wading through the crowds can test your ability to play nice with others. Sometimes you really have to weigh the need versus your ability to deal with the other Costco shoppers.

The day before Thanksgiving I decided to go to Costco to pick up some flowers for my dining room table. If you haven’t seen them before, Costco has the most beautiful fresh flowers for not a lot of money.

I left work at 3:00 so I decided to hit the Costco near my office because I knew that once I sat in 2 hours of traffic to get home and shop there I’d either be homicidal or too tired to shop. But the Costco near my office has THE worst parking lot of all of them. It’s small and poorly laid out—there’s no easy way in or out of the lot.

I pulled into the parking lot and found a space right away. In fact, it’s the first space you see when you pull into the lot. If I weren’t so excited to find a parking space at all, in retrospect, I would have rethought parking there.

I parked, walked into Costco, went right to the flowers and got what I needed. The registers weren’t busy so I paid for my flowers without waiting and was out in less than 10 minutes. It was a record.

But it was too good to be true.

When you pull into the parking lot there are two lanes that feed into it. You can either go straight and park in one of the 20 or so spaces in front, or you could turn left where there’s considerably more parking. Most people go left, but it’s dangerous to navigate, full of people, carts abandoned in the middle of the aisle, and lots of traffic. It’s every man, woman and child for himself.

I made the mistake of going straight. I got the very first space you come to on the right-hand side. I was thrilled because I didn’t have to fight for it. When I tried to leave, I realized why.

By the time I tried to back out of my space, both lanes coming in to the lot were backed up with cars snaking onto the main road. Cars were trying to make their way left to park, and cars were stacked behind me either trying to get the hell out of the lot or get into my space.

It was gridlock.

At first I sat patiently, reverse lights on, inching my way out of the space. But after 10 minutes—TEN MINUTES!— I pulled forward and waited for things to clear up a bit. The delivery truck behind me was trying to leave, but the cars coming in wouldn’t let him. He got caught in the parking lot intersection, which totally contributed to the cluster fuck. Cars honked and drivers yelled at him to move. Yet none of THEM would move because they were all jockeying for MY space.

Finally, some fool in his Trans Am had the balls to honk and start yelling at ME to “Move yer fucking car, honey!”

Nice girl that I am, I tried to gesture politely around me like, “Sorry, dude, can’t move anywhere.”

Dumb shit didn’t quite grasp the concept and yelled at me again.

I had the top down on my car, so I was trying to be careful. You never want to tell someone to shut the fuck up in Van Nuys when they can get a clear shot of your head with a bullet.

Again, I gestured around me. There was a car right behind me waiting for another  space. The big truck was still partially behind me as well. If I were on a bicycle I wouldn’t have been able to get out of that space.

“Yo! HONEY! You just gonna sit there and look pretty? Or you gonna figure out how to drive that thing?”

Game on.

“YOU look, HONEY. I can’t get out. You’re just gonna have to wait until traffic clears. SORRY.”

He laid on his horn and stayed on it.

Because when all else fails, that’s totally how you get traffic to move, right? “Oh, you want me to MOVE? I had no idea until you HONKED. Thank you.”

Costco Van Nuys Parking Lot

The light turned green so the cars waiting to get out of the lot thinned out a little bit. The truck moved and the other car behind me finally parked. I put the car in reverse and started to back out again, and Mr. Trans Am moved forward to make a claim on the space. A woman in a mini van came from the other direction and also tried to claim the space.

Trans Am Tool and Mini Van Mom had a face-off behind me, both yelling that it was their space but neither one of them giving me any room to back out.

Trans Am Tool yells at me to “Back the Fuck UP.”

I put the car in park, get out (phone in hand just in case) and walk over to his car and tell HIM to back the fuck up.

“Look, dude. Let me explain how this works. For you to get IN the space I have to get OUT of the space. That’s how it works. There isn’t another way. With you a half inch off my bumper it’s not possible for me to get out. So if you want this space put your car in reverse and move it.”

Meanwhile, Mini Van Mom is yelling, “Yeah!” to the guy. That, of course, warranted some stink eye from me.

Trans Am Tool wouldn’t budge and neither would she.

I got back in the car, turned on the radio and picked up my book. And I sat.

A couple of minutes later the Trans Am dude peels away on the hunt for another space and Mini Van Mom finally backs up, giving me room to leave.

Just to piss her off, I back up with her behind me and allow another car to pull into the space.

I could see her in my rear view mirror as I pulled out of the lot, yelling at me and then yelling at the woman who took my space.

I waved and yelled “Happy Thanksgiving!” and drove home.

Yeah, I fed the whole scene but I’m pretty sick and tired of self-absorbed, self-centered people. People just aren’t that nice sometimes and the holidays seem to bring out the worst in everyone.

Every year I hate the holidays just a little more….