Some women seem to always have big groups of girlfriends. I’ve never been like that. I’ve always cultivated a few tight friendships and have kept my group small.
I’m not sure why—I was painfully shy as a kid and really struggled to open up enough to let people in, and I’m probably still like that.
Some of my friends are people I’ve known since grammar school— went 1st through 8th grade with roughly the same 40 kids, so we were a tight if not slightly dysfunctional group. We randomly pop in and out of each others lives, mostly via Facebook, but everyone still looks out for each other. One of my closest friends is from high school. We were seated alphabetically by last name in 2nd period P.E. our freshman year, and we’ve been tight ever since. We’re the type of girlfriends who may drop off for a few months as life gets busy and then pick up again like no time has passed.
Over the years I’ve met plenty of women through work, but I can count on 3 fingers the number of solid friendships that have evolved from that. I’ve become friends with wives of my husband’s friends and through hobbies like dog shows and yoga. I would consider some of them good friends. But real close friends— the women you lean on during huge life events or just a craptastic day—are hard to find.
I’m almost 43 years old and most of the women I know are busy with their careers, their kids, their husbands and hobbies or volunteering. It’s harder to forge deep friendships at this stage—not for lack of trying, though. Life just gets in the way.
Because my pool of friends is so small, I tend to hang onto friendships long after I should abandon them. Sometimes different friendship styles can be difficult to navigate and there are bumps in the relationship. And during the ebb and flow of life, making time is hard. I get that. But if I’m the only one reaching out to make plans, if I’m the only one checking in to see how the other person is doing and that’s not being reciprocated, I need to start evaluating that. I have to wonder if my friendship is being valued as much as I value the friendship.
I’m at a point in my life where I’ve had time to look around and take stock of my friendships and I realized I haven’t really kept up with some of them the way that I should. That’s my fault. I take full responsibility. I get busy with one thing and let others fall by the wayside. I also realize I’ve also kept some friendships casual that really have potential, mostly out of my own insecurity and shyness. I don’t reach out enough and that makes me appear uninterested. People stop reaching out if you don’t reach back once in a while.
I don’t like to let go of friendships no matter how much they’ve been neglected or how screwed up they are, but I wonder if I’m allowing my insecurities to cloud my judgement. I also don’t think I’m good at reading the signals when other women are really trying to forge a friendship with me, so I don’t pursue those and I stick with what’s comfortable, not necessarily what’s good for me.
This is all begging the question: Are friendships with women hard? Or do I just suck at this?
I think it’s common. I have two friends here. Two. Both are my husbands cousins. Which doesn’t matter really, but you now know how I met them.
I have great friends. They just live everywhere else. I’ve met them because of blogging. Even them I can go weeks without talking too. I think life gets in the way. Or that I suck at making friends too.
Issa recently posted..Who are we to judge?
Some of my oldest friends live in a different part of the state where I grew up. They’re only a phone call away, but it’s not quite the same as having them nearby, willing to go for a quick cocktail or a movie.
I hope you don’t suck at it because what you wrote is mostly my story. Therefore I suck at it too.
But I think you have a point. Unlike in grade school, where you can walk up to another girl and say “We’re best friends!” (even if you have never spoken before), you can’t do that as an adult. Well, I suppose you CAN, but then you may also be detained for stalking. Women, in my opinion, and obviously I am not including ALL women, are quick to judge each other when first meeting – Is she prettier than I am? Does she dress better? Is her husband/partner/child/pet better looking than mine? All these things (or some iteration of them) run through the mind in an instant. And I’m willing to bet, we don’t realizing it.
I have 1 person I could legitimately call a friend. In the true sense of the word. There are a few that I could call friends, but due to logistics, I know I couldn’t call them at 2am to bail me out of jail. They just live too far away. The rest? Good acquaintances.
Sometimes I miss having all the friends I had in high school – those girls who I could get on the phone with and talk for hours. But I *know* I am horrible about maintaining friendships. I just automatically assume the other person is busy.
So, wanna be best friends?
Also? I apparently can’t spell, so there’s another reason to have no friends…. Le sigh.
It’s funny that you mention the judging we do. I think on some level I just don’t fully trust most women. Maybe it’s my own insecurity, maybe I have issues because I got picked on a lot as a goofy kid, but I definitely feel that women judge each other more than we let on. I think I really have to step carefully over some landmines before I let anyone close to me.
I can’t really answer that question because I actually don’t have any friends. At all. I have three friends that I’ve made through my blog but never actually met in person, one friends I’ve made in person through my daughter, and many acquaintances from where I used to live that I’m friends with only on facebook. I have no friends from grade school, high school, or college. it’s actually pretty sad – clearly I don’t have the slightest idea of how to make a keep friends. or I have a terrible personality
lonek8 recently posted..You’ve Got To Win To Lose
I met you and I don’t think you have a terrible personality at all. You were so nice to me at BlogHer last year even though I was so socially moronic!
I’m curious: when you have kids is your social life dictated by them? Do you find yourself socializing more with the parents of their friends because it’s convenient, not necessarily because you like them?
I think you nailed it when you said “Real close friends. . . are hard to find.” That’s not about you, that’s just the truth about the work and trust required for close relationships.
As far as hanging on to people, why not? I have a couple of friends who are more “emeritus” than active, but I still consider them friends. Yeah, if we met today we might not be friends, but we have a history and an abiding affection, so even if I wouldn’t call them for bail money, I’ll still call ‘em on their birthdays.
Besides, some of these things ebb and flow. I’ve been friends with T. & B. for 40 years—yes, we met in kindergarten—and sometimes we’ve been close, and sometimes not. I talk to T regularly, but B is terrible at keeping at touch. However, when we do talk, it’s as if we’ve picked up a conversation from the day before. I only see them every couple of years, but, y’know, I think they’d fly out if I ever went to trial.
One last bit on an already overlong comment: When we were in our mid-20s, B and I stood up in a friend’s wedding. Outside of the church B asked me, “Do I have anything up my nose?” Me: “No.” Pause. “I can’t believe you asked me.” B: “I can’t believe you looked.”
I won’t ask you to look up my nose, Mo, but you do have a friend in Brooklyn. . . .
absurdbeats recently posted..“If we don’t stand for what we believe in, we fail.”
You have a healthier outlook on friends than I do. There is definitely an ebb and flow to friendships, and sometimes I tend to evaluate the whole relationship when someone gets busy or involved in different interests. Never mind the fact that I’ve got things that pull me away! (That’s my double standard!)
I think every woman needs at lease one good girlfriend who will help her bury a body, bail her out of jail and look up her nose. (And since I’m under 5 feet tall I kind of can’t help but look up people’s noses!)