Really, I will. I don’t know what’s wrong with me—I have a million things I want to write about but I just can’t focus. Every time I log into the dashboard here I open a new post, stare at the mocking flashing cursor, close the window and check my dwindling stats. I’m nearing the end of my insanely busy season at work and I’m fried. Even though we were busier this year than last, my schedule was a little better, but the daily stress levels of working in entertainment marketing takes its toll. A few nights of good rest and some yoga should do the trick. I should start getting both of those next week.
But even though I haven’t been writing much, I have been doing a lot of reading.
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Today I read this article “Career Change: Should I stay Or Should I Go?” which sums up how I’ve been feeling lately.
I’m always dragging myself out of bed. It doesn’t matter how exciting a day I have to look forward to, I don’t wake up easily. I never have. Since I was child, I’ve moved slowly and painfully when an alarm goes off. So when the reasons became more to do with my job than just who I was, it was pretty easy to look past them.
… Until the signs started to pile up. Being happy you need a root canal because that means you won’t have to be in the office until 11, for example. Stopping inside of every church or temple you can find to pray that you will be included in the next round of layoffs. Hyperventilating, feeling dizziness and/or nausea within three blocks of the office. Biting the inside of your cheek until it bleeds to stop yourself from screaming because you have to listen to the same people say the same things at the same meeting they have for years while nothing changes. Forgetting what a good day at work actually feels like.
It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. But considering I was looking forward to having surgery last month so I could get a break, it’s probably time to figure things out…
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On a related note, I’ve been having a lot of discussions lately about doing something more meaningful or, more accurately, doing something that gives me joy. This article about job satisfaction was interesting because it seems that even though women are paid less and have less flexible hours than men, they still find more meaning in their jobs.
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It’s probably no surprise that one of my favorite writers writes about dogs (was the list of books in my Amazon widget the giveaway?). But what I love about Jon Katz is how he not only writes about the bond between humans and dogs but he also posts regularly on his blog about his life and his search for spirituality. I read this post,” Messages From the Ether. Goodbye to “Amen Charlies” yesterday and it resonated with me because he writes about not seeking support and affirmation from the outside, something I continually struggle with. I’ve come to some realizations recently about some of the choices I’ve made in my life. For too long I craved affirmation and approval from the wrong people and didn’t put enough faith and trust in myself. The final paragraph is a gut check:
Being alone with myself was a seminal step in making decisions in the new world and remembering always that these are my decisions, and I have to stand or fall with them. Every decision, I remind myself that this is what I need to do to be a whole human being.
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Hopefully, I’ll get through this Meh thing I’ve got going on soon because I need to start writing again.
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