I took an unintentional break from blogging for the last six weeks, posting only once. I say unintentional because I had a kept thinking about posting, and I definitely intended to carve out time, but when I sat down to write the words wouldn’t flow. I did everything I could think of to break the writing dam, but nothing worked. I decided not to force it and see what happened.
So what happened was a lot of time away from this blog while I sorted out what was (is) really going on with me.
This has year has felt like one continuous transitional period for me and it has affected me profoundly. I finish my teacher training next month and I’m ending it in a very different place from where I started. When I began the program, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to teach, but now I’m sure that I do. In fact, I’m starting to envision an entirely different sort of life for myself, one that I might not have considered before starting this program.
When I signed up, a couple of my yoga teachers warned me that this training would change my life. I figured, Yeah, I’ll be more fit and have a better grasp of yoga—and yes, all of that happened—but I was unprepared for what they really meant. I’m just starting to grasp how much deeper the change is.
I have felt a seismic shift deep in my core. I can’t quite explain it yet, but the more I learn about yoga, the more I learn about myself. As my practice has evolved, so have I. (I know—I sound so self-aware! Who am I?!)
Last week I had to write a paper on tapas, which is a Sanskrit word that literally means “heat.” In broader terms tapas help us ignite the changes we want to make in our lives. It’s about getting fired up and about being passionate about something. For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling passionate about something I’m doing. I’m excited about how I want to use my yoga when I’m done with training.
I’ve been feeling stuck in my job—as in not moving forward. Couple that with huge amounts of stress that come from tight deadlines and demanding clients, toss in a liberal amount of work drama and mix with no raises and limited vacation time, and I have to wonder if there isn’t something else I should be doing. I’m at the stage in my life where balance matters. I feel strongly about doing something that makes a difference—for myself and others. I do realize chucking everything and running away to become a yoga teacher isn’t going to be the solution, but it’s definitely a part of it. Just how much is what I’m trying to work out.
I’m sort of writing this out loud. This disjointed post with no point gives you an idea what it’s like inside my head these days.
I have a month left in my training and I’m excited that it’s coming to a close, but I’m a little sad because this program has given me the time and tools to really get out of my own way and allow myself to start moving forward.