If you’re looking for a happy post today, this probably isn’t the place for you…
Someone close to me recently told me that I have become angry. Not only am I angry, but I’m mean and more than a little selfish.
And you know what? I am.
I’m not happy about it, and admitting that I am doesn’t make me proud, but I’m under a lot of pressure right now and have been trying to find ways to deal with it. I’ve been looking for solutions that aren’t worse than the problem I’m trying to solve. I’ve been trying not to put more pressure on those around me by making rash decision, decisions that will affect not just me. So I’ve been keeping my head down and trying to keep my stress, irritation, frustration and fear to myself.
It’s what I do.
I retreat into myself when I’m struggling. I try not to inflict my feelings on others. I try not to complain too much or too loudly.
But because I’ve turned too far inward, instead of getting the support I need, I seem to have pushed everyone away. As a result, even people who know me well think I’ve become cold, mean and angry.
The word “joyless” has even made an appearance in the latest round of criticism.
It’s hard to find a lot of joy in fighting useless battles on a daily basis. I’m a problem solver but in this case, I’m totally stumped. It’s hard not to be angry for being in a situation that I don’t see an easy way out of.
I don’t want to be angry or joyless or any of the other things I’ve been labeled, but I’m fighting losing battles every day—every insanely long day. And I’m tired. And it’s all making me angry.
Having someone remind me that I’m angry, and get angry at me for being angry…well, it pisses me off. And it makes me retreat deeper into myself.
I’m trying hard to keep it together. Some days are better than others. And frankly, some days are just really bad.
It’s been a tough year. I’ve really struggled, but I’m still fighting. I’m trying hard to find some balance, some happiness, some…joy.
If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening.
PS: I only used the word “angry” 9 times. Not as bad as I thought!
I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. I wish I could help. And I totally understand what you say about retreating into yourself and having people think you are cold and mean and angry. I do that too. Just remember that this is always here for you to vent and rage and share your problems. We understand, and we support you.
ps – if you get two comments it’s because I don’t think the first one worked so I tried to rewrite and post it. If you only get one, then the other one was the good draft haha!
Oh honey, I’m sorry. Sometimes people need to think about their words before they say them.
Someone said to me the other day (and it was my best friend so I can’t disown her) that depression hurts everyone. That when I’m depressed, I am different and people take it personal, even when it’s not about them. Pissed me off for a bit. But she was right.
People don’t know what to say to help, when we don’t let them in. Then the things they say, tend to be stupid and not helpful. Ha. Of course when you are tired and stressed, the last thing you want is to try and explain it to others.
I hope your world starts to improve really soon. Hugs.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..Can you be a pessimist with optimistic moments? =-.
I agree with what Kate and Issa have said. I’m with you that 2009 as kind of sucked. Try to look forward to 2010. It’s only 5 1/2 weeks away. Hopefully you’ll have figured out what you want to do in that time. As magazine covers remind us in January: New Year, New You!
.-= Carey´s last blog ..The Thanksgiving To-Do: Shop =-.
I haven’t noticed you angry…I saw you at that event last weekend and you seemed to be able to have a decent time? I hope it was a little reprieve for all you’ve been going through.
And, what your feeling is justified. Just take “Grace” in knowing that the time you’ve spent being what others call “angry” is time being spent coming to the best conclusion for YOU. I say this with Ginger Martini in hand, trust me. And if you’re around this weekend, and willing, we’d love to see you both.
.-= Eve´s last blog ..Anthony Blackburn, from Napa Valley College, Reports on Wine and Art =-.
Hmmm. Someone I managed to miss this post until right now! (And hi everyone! The person referred to in this post isn’t me! I think Mo is awesome 24/7. Heh.)
Ugh. Boy do I get the retreating thing. I might be the only one who can beat you in this category. It can be a good thing though, if you use it to regroup. Which I believe you do. You’re a thinker. Your brain is always working and turning things over. Retreating just kind of goes hand in hand with that kind of personality type a lot of the time. The good news is you have people who love you unconditionally – and we don’t require you to be any other way than however you are. Though we do want you to be happy.
Here’s to the merciful conclusion of 2009…which basically sucked across the damn board. Bring on 2010!
Um, that was supposed to begin, “SomeHOW…” I am the blog comment typo queen. Worship at my feet.