Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.
When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?
And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before.
Help! The Beatles (partial lyrics)
**********
I read Mary’s post on asking for help the other day and the topic has been gnawing at me ever since.
I struggle to ask for help. Even when I’m in dire need of some.
Whether it’s asking for advice with problems I’m dealing with, or help with finances or even moving a 200-pound dresser from one side of the house to another (yes, I’ve done this), I’d rather just do it myself. And forget about asking for help around the house. I’d sooner kill myself vacuuming up the dog hair for the third time that day than ask for HELP from my husband. Not because he’s an asshole and wouldn’t help me. It’s because I’m the asshole who thinks it’s demeaning to have to NEED help.
I don’t have a lot of close girlfriends. I’m a tight-circle type of girl so when I’m friends with someone, I trust him or her implicitly. But I won’t ask them for help either. I’ll bitch and moan and make whatever is bothering me entertaining drama, but to actually say, “You know what? This is going on and I’m really struggling.” Forget it. It’s easier to burrow into my own stuff and push everyone away.
I’ve always been extremely independent so—to me—asking for help makes me feel weak. And helpLESS. And insecure because Shouldn’t I have my shit together? I’m almost *wince* 41 years old. I’m an independent woman, yo! Or stupid. Take your pick.
What’s funny about that is, if someone asks me for help I don’t think any less of them. I’m in. What do you need? What can I do? I’m in awe of people who can ask for help.
The other day I had to ask someone for help and it almost crushed me. I had to plan the conversation ahead of time. I wanted to choose my words and make sure my voice didn’t give away any of the insecurity I felt. I was terrified because I felt like I was losing my power, the upper hand and all that shiz.
But my life didn’t implode. The world didn’t end. The person I needed help from was relieved and didn’t make me feel less than; in fact, I got more compassion than I deserved. But it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
Shit. Before you know it, I may actually start apologizing to people (we all know how much I LOVE to do that). What the hell is this world coming to?
I surrender
I haven’t gone back to address the comment you left on my post – mostly because I am lazy – but right after I wrote that post, I read *your* post about the day you had. The day when the dog was sick all over the place and you didn’t want to deal with it and your husband wouldn’t deal with it. I’m sure you remember.
And at the time, I remember thinking that this is another situation in which you and I have similar feelings or events happening. It’s like we have the same life. Except, you know, for the husband. And the 2 dogs (you). And the 2 cats (me). And you being almost 3 years younger than I. *hee*
That said? I could have written this post. I also don’t have a lot of female friends, and I HATE HATE HATE to ask for help. I will do anything for anyone else, though, and be happy to do it.
I remember one time I had to ask my parents for money ($200) and it almost KILLED me. I was mortified and felt like the biggest loser.
Sorry. I’m blathering. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. We’ll ask each other for help as practice, and get better at it.
You aren’t blathering, but you can since I “borrowed” your topic!
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to reach out and ask for help. I’m sort of wired that way. And it’s not that I think that I’m an island and can function alone, but I think it boils down to a power issue (translation: I’m clearly insecure). Asking for help brands me as weak in my mind.
Well, as long as you hold the line at forgiveness. . . .
Now that’s just crazy talk! Forgive? I almost choke on that word!
You are such a good writer, I can’t imagine your verbal skills lacking even if your nerve is. Keep it up, and no, I can’t help you open my wine cellar. But, I can help making a Ginger Martini.
I am the Queen of Verbal Diarrhea. At some point I lost my ability to Use My Words, but I’m sure it’s all tied to nerves.
But, yeah, maybe a Ginger Martini might help!
I have the same issue with asking for help (maybe it’s a Virgo girl thing?). I hate to do it and rarely do, even of those closest to me. It is definitely my last resort. I feel weak and pathetic if I have to ask someone for help, and like I should be able to figure out how to get it done all on my own. And I’ve always been like this, so I don’t think it has anything to do with age either. It’s probably a control thing because I know I like to be in control, or at least feel like I am. Funny enough, I don’t feel like people are weak or stupid or pathetic when they ask me for help. I am always right there to pitch in and help get whatever needs doing, done. And would never think any less of someone that asked for or needed my help.
When I got really sick a couple of years ago, barely any of our friends knew and none of them thought I needed any help with anything because I was ‘fine’ and ‘doing great’ with no need for a shoulder to cry on or anything. It was all lies, but I just didn’t want to feel needy.
So, does this inability to ask for help why we don’t have a lot of close girl friends? I don’t know but my guess is probably ‘yes’. Hard to be really tight friends with someone when you don’t like to have to depend on or need anyone.