I love basil.

About two weeks ago I found a basil plant in Trader Joe’s for $4. Considering a bunch of basil can cost you almost that much, I went ahead and bought it. I put it in a Tuscan-looking pot that’s been sitting empty and put it in my kitchen where I can just grab a handful and use it in pastas.

Basilicious

Today I needed to use some mini sweet tomatoes before they went bad, so I cut them up, minced a garlic clove, chopped up a handful of basil, tossed in some salt and pepper and mixed it all in olive oil.

Meanwhile, I sliced a baguette and toasted it with some olive oil drizzled on top, and when the slices came out of the oven I rubbed some garlic on the slice and loaded piled the Bruschetta on top. It was ridiculously easy and tasted amazingly fresh.

Served with a little prosciutto and salami it was the perfect summer snack.

I could eat this all day.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before.

Help! The Beatles (partial lyrics)

**********

I read Mary’s post on asking for help the other day and the topic has been gnawing at me ever since.

I struggle to ask for help. Even when I’m in dire need of some.

Whether it’s asking for advice with problems I’m dealing with, or help with finances or even moving a 200-pound dresser from one side of the house to another (yes, I’ve done this), I’d rather just do it myself. And forget about asking for help around the house. I’d sooner kill myself vacuuming up the dog hair for the third time that day than ask for HELP from my husband. Not because he’s an asshole and wouldn’t help me. It’s because I’m the asshole who thinks it’s demeaning to have to NEED help.

I don’t have a lot of close girlfriends. I’m a tight-circle type of girl so when I’m friends with someone, I trust him or her implicitly. But I won’t ask them for help either. I’ll bitch and moan and make whatever is bothering me entertaining drama, but to actually say, “You know what? This is going on and I’m really struggling.” Forget it. It’s easier to burrow into my own stuff and push everyone away.

I’ve always been extremely independent so—to me—asking for help makes me feel weak. And helpLESS. And insecure because Shouldn’t I have my shit together? I’m almost *wince* 41 years old. I’m an independent woman, yo! Or stupid. Take your pick.

What’s funny about that is, if someone asks me for help I don’t think any less of them. I’m in. What do you need? What can I do? I’m in awe of people who can ask for help.

The other day I had to ask someone for help and it almost crushed me. I had to plan the conversation ahead of time. I wanted to choose my words and make sure my voice didn’t give away any of the insecurity I felt. I was terrified because I felt like I was losing my power, the upper hand and all that shiz.

But my life didn’t implode. The world didn’t end. The person I needed help from was relieved and didn’t make me feel less than; in fact, I got more compassion than I deserved. But it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

Shit. Before you know it, I may actually start apologizing to people (we all know how much I LOVE to do that). What the hell is this world coming to?

I surrender

Reason 6,528 that California is Screwed Up

The Los Angeles Times published this article about how people can access their welfare benefits. Apparently, Social Services has made money from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program available through state-issued ATM cards. That part makes sense to me. The money is more readily available to those who need it. No more waiting for checks, and it cuts down on program costs.

However, the Time reported that “more than half the casinos and state-licensed poker rooms in California appear on the state website showing welfare recipients where they can access cash benefits.” Not only that, but 17 strip clubs in the area are on the list. “Nearly $4.8 million has been withdrawn from ATMs at casinos and poker rooms with welfare benefits cards from 2007 through last month, state officials said last week. The vast majority of that, $4.4 million, was withdrawn at tribal casinos.”

Governor Schwarzenegger ordered the casinos removed from the state’s ATM network and directed the Department of Social Services to produce a plan to reduce “waste, fraud and abuse” in the welfare program.

I get that money needs to be accessible to those who need it, but I’m pretty sure the money was intended to feed the mouths of babies—not babes.

**********

Running For My Life

Last week signed up for a 5k mud run on August 21. I needed something to get me motivated to start working out again. I’m going to be 41 next month and I don’t want to feel like I’m 41. Or look it. And right now I feel every second of that 41 years. I was all gung-ho about getting ready for this thing.

Care to guess how many times I’ve trained?

Actually, since I signed up I’ve worked out twice. The first night I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for about 30 minutes, varying my time between 4.0 mph and 6.0 mph. That’s actually pretty respectable. After that I did some weights—leg presses, deadlifts and walking lunges. A solid workout.

I think that was Tuesday.

This morning was my second workout. I got up early-ish and decided to go for a run. On real pavement. I have no idea what the course is going to be like (they haven’t posted it yet), but I imagine that some of it will be on hard surfaces.

Let me tell you, I’m going to be screwed.

I walked a few blocks to warm up. Then I picked up the pace a bit and did a race-walk thing to ease me into running. A few blocks later I started to run. And it was a thing of beauty great ugliness.

You know how some people look like gazelles when they run—all grace and elegance with a perfect pace? That’s not me. I got out there and my feet just slapped and dragged on the pavement while my arms were all akimbo, and I could hear myself sucking air over Skid Row on my iPod. E

Even Sebastian Bach couldn’t save me from this shame.

I kept at it, but it was rough. I probably did a couple of miles but unless I can get my stride and pace cleaned up, this 5K run is going to feel like 5,000 miles.

**********

And Speaking of Turning 41…

I got glasses yesterday.

I had Lasik about 11 years ago because I had 20/600 vision. I couldn’t see the alarm clock that was 4 inches from my face. It was the best thing I ever did.

I still have pretty good vision but because I stare at a computer all day and I read a lot, my eyes are starting to tire more easily and I’m starting to struggle a little bit.

The optometrist told me that overall my vision is pretty good “for someone your age.” But after a series of “Better 1 or Better 2″ tests, he told me that I do need a slight correction, mostly because my eyes stop working together when they’re tired.

So I found some geeky chic specs.

You like?

I'm sure it's ovious that no retouching has been done to this photo

Some days are just hard. Period. It doesn’t matter if you wake up in a good mood or not, there are certain days that are just destined to go badly.

Like yesterday.

I woke up in a decent mood but the day just didn’t go well. And the end of the day was just the snot on top of my crap sundae.

I got home from work and while I was fielding a call from my boss, the puppy was following me around the kitchen throwing up. She horked up grass and vomit about 8 times. I tried to behave like a professional on the phone, but it’s kind of hard when all I can hear is retching. Meanwhile, Bill, who was making himself some dinner, just walked out of the kitchen to leave me with all of the chaos. HE couldn’t deal.

After I picked a fight with Bill over that one (I really wasn’t wrong), he decided to pick a fight with me over something else. Marriage at its best, yo.

When I thought my night couldn’t (and wouldn’t) get any worse I let the dogs in the house and freaked out when I saw that Gracie’s head and neck were covered in blood. It was straight-up horror movie gore. I immediately tried to find and stop the flow of blood on her and…nothing.

It wasn’t hers.

Turns out Penny just lost a couple of puppy teeth and decided that teething on Gracie was the way to relieve her pain.

I should buy one of these for Penny

So two arguments, eight piles of puke and a massacre quantity of blood later, I called it a night.

Today is a new day.

Here are three things that I’m grateful for today:

1. Yesterday is over.

2. Tomorrow is Friday.

3. The day after that is Saturday.

(Some days you gotta take what you can get.)

What are you grateful for?

I’ve been kind of lazy lately.

A lot lazy.

For longer than lately actually.

I used to go to the gym a few times a week—sometimes more—and trained pretty hard. It made me feel good, helped me manage stress and I slept well. Somehow over the last couple of years I’ve really gotten out of the habit of training. Part of it was because of the weird hours I have at work sometimes. Part of it was because I got bored with the gym.

For the past couple of months I’ve made a half-assed attempt at running. I hate actually kind of hate running but I love the results I get even after the shortest runs. But it’s hard to stay motivated. So I’ve decided I need a goal. Something to train for so I can stay motivated.

Last night my stepson’s wife told us she’s going a mud run next weekend. Not only do you run a 5k, you’re doing it in mud. Plus, your wading, jumping, climbing and scooting through tunnels.

It kind of sounded like fun.

So this morning I found a mud run in Pasadena and signed up.

I am now committed to doing this at the end of August a couple of days before my 41st birthday.

Just because I can.

You know this looks like fun!