The Real Housewives of New Jersey are back for a second season, and for most of this episode I wasn’t sure if I was watching that or The Sopranos. All that was missing was Satriale’s. And instead of Dr. Melfi, we were introduced to Father Richard.
The episode opens with Jacqueline finally having the baby she’s tried so hard to have for a couple of years. Then cut to her sister-in-law Caroline saying, “I enjoy Jacqueline so much more now that we’re drama free. Troubled people cause trouble.”
This whole episode is full of all the housewives claiming that there won’t be any drama this season, which is code for Oh, honey, you haven’t seen anything yet. “I’m a huge believer in surrounding yourself with positive energy, things that feel good.” says Dr. Evil Dina as her creepy naked cat Mr. Bigglesworth Grandma Wrinkles slinks into the room. (“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world’s deadliest assassins, and yet each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry. And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset… people DIE!”)
Right. So anyway….
Cut to Danielle, who’s such a devout Catholic, seeks advice from Father Richard. “It says in the Bible that God can’t help if you don’t ask,” spouts the wise and totally changed Danielle.
“I’m not a whore, or a prostitute or a coke head,” the prostitution whore says to Father Richard, while she’s getting him up to speed on the drama with the other housewives last season. “I want you to teach me how to pray for them,” she says with a poker straight face (although, in her defense she might just have a little too much Botox). After listening to Danielle rant and rave for a while, Father Richard tells her: “You may not forget but you can forgive them. You have to learn how to move on with your life.” Blank stare from Danielle. You can totally tell that the concept of moving on is not in her repertoire. She’s clearly from the “An eye for an eye” school of Catholicism.
We then cut to Teresa having a la familia moment as she and her family get together to make red sauce (180 jars to be exact) to last them for the year. “Every year we make red sauce before my daughters go back to school. I want to pass this tradition down to my daughters.” I’m wondering if she wants to pass on the fact that old-school Italians believe you’re not allowed to make red sauce if “it’s that time of the month” because you’ll spoil the tomatoes. There’s some other weirdness with Teresa schooling her 8-year-old daughter on which men to marry. She announces that she doesn’t want her daughter to marry an Italian guy. She thinks she should marry a Jewish man because they worship their wives. You can almost see her husband trying to decide whether or not he could kill her now and dump the body without anyone finding it. Fuhgeddaboudit.
After this, there’s some sweetness with Caroline and her husband Albert shopping for new suits since “My Big Bear” lost 70 pounds after having some kind of lap band surgery.
But then we’re back to Jacqueline and her husband Chris (Dina and Caroline’s brother) telling Jacqueline that he doesn’t want her to hang around Danielle anymore. After all, “I just don’t want any bullshit or drama in our life. You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.”
You can almost hear The Godfather theme in the background.
Then we hear this nugget from Teresa on whether she’s going to have a boy or a girl in a couple of weeks: “People always tease me and say that if I have a body I’d turn him gay. That’s okay, we could go shopping together.” Mother of the year, that girl.
Just a side note: Is there any furniture in that house? Maybe after building her 12,000 square foot show piece there’s no money left for a freaking couch?
After seeking guidance from Father Richard, Danielle takes her remarkably sweet and sane daughters shopping. She’s lamenting that she hasn’t been able to give them everything she’s wanted since getting divorced from their father: “My kids, I haven’t been able to bling them out.” Meanwhile her oldest is like, Whatever. I’m hanging with my friends. It’s not a fashion show.
“It’s always a fashion show. It’s Jersey, baby,” quips Danielle, who then launches into her tirade to the shop owner about Jacqueline’s husband not wanting her around his wife.
Later, Danielle continues to do some therapy at the nail salon. The very one that Dina apparently used to work at, but Danielle “isn’t here to judge.” It’s there that she learns Caroline is having her yearly Sheriff fundraiser (“If you’re thick as theives why do you have to raise money for the sheriff’s department? I’m just sayin’,” says Danielle) that very night and poor Danielle wasn’t invited. This sets her off. “Caroline called me garbage, whine, whine, whine.” Then she does her Linda Blair and contemplates: “Maybe they didn’t invite me because I’m struggling to pay my bills.” Then she swings right back into her tirade about the other women.
Seriously, bitch. Get over it.
But no! Danielle gathers her girls and starts driving toward the party—just to see who was invited. Danielle’s daughters, ever the voice of reason are in the back seat, wondering how the fuck they got stuck with such a crazy mother and tell her “Mom, you really need to calm down.”
“I could really care less that I wasn’t invited.”
“We’re not going to sit here and watch you make a jerk of yourself. Leave it alone.”
“The old Danielle would have stopped in. But the new Danielle? Not a chance. I don’t’ want to give them the satisfaction of thinking I care. Cause I don’t. Not a chance.”
And hell just froze over.
The best/worst line of the episode? It’s really a toss-up and both come from Teresa: “Danielle, you put the cont in contradiction. Beyotch.” And “Her hole must be as big as…what’s the longest tunnel?”
There was almost too much going on in this episode. They’re obviously trying to catch viewers up on the past year, but I’m glad they’re back. And kinda scared.