Reinvention? Rejuvination? Re-Something. (Updated*)

I feel like I’m on the cusp of something. What am I on the cusp of exactly? I don’t know. But it’s happening. Whether I like it or not. It may even be life-changing. But in a good way.

Is that vague enough for you? If it makes you feel any better, it’s pretty vague to me, too.

I can’t explain it. But I feel it deep in my bones. It’s like I’ve been in hibernation for a while and I’m slowly starting to emerge. Rested. Clear-headed. Alert. Alive? Perhaps.

The anticipation I feel is like when I was a kid on Christmas morning. I’m almost giddy. Which anyone who knows me in real life will tell you is just odd for me. I don’t get giddy.

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I’m ashamed to admit it, but I read my horoscope. Not on a daily basis or anything but, you know, enough.

I don’t put a ton of stock in it, but at the same time, I put a wee bit of stock in it. Just in case.

I read my monthly horoscope at the END of month because I’m always afraid of self-fulfilling prophecies. Truthfully, if it’s bad I don’t want to know ahead of time. If it’s good I can always look back and think, “Yeah. Okay.” (Side note: a couple of years ago a friend did a Tarot card reading on me. She basically predicted that I was going to be struggling a little bit for a while. It freaked me out so much that I barely got out of the room before I promptly burst into big, fat ugly tears.)

I just read my June Horoscope on  Susan Miller’s Astrology Zone and the first sentence said: “In many ways, your life is getting better every day and in every way. You’ve been through a great deal over the past two years, but now you are seeing the end to a long and arduous journey.”

Holy mother of God I sure as shit hope that’s true. I hope my instincts (and the sun, moon and stars) are right and I’m heading into a less dark period.

It’s been a tough couple of years.

Like everyone I’ve had job stresses. I almost lost my job last year, and then I took a pay cut (you can rehash all of that here). And because I put too much stock and self-worth into my job (read about that here), it totally screwed me up and created other stresses. Which created a big ugly cycle that I’ve been fighting to get out of ever since. I’ve spend the past couple of years being angry and frustrated with things in my life (things that I actually do have some degree of control over, mind you) and it paralyzed me. It is really unlike me (If you’ve only known me a couple of years, trust me. It’s not who I am. I swear). I may not be a giddy girl, but I’m not really an unhappy person. I’m not angry. I’m not a bitch (most of the time), and I don’t want to be a bad wife, taking my shit out on my poor husband. (He’s tough, but he’s human. My shit gets old sometimes. I know that.)

According to my horoscope I’m about to move into “an exciting, energetic two-year cycle…You are about to come into your own now, dear Virgo. With Mars behind you now, you will suddenly feel filled with energy and drive. You’ll display courage and determination and feel ready to take on the world…You’ve grown more in the past two years than in any other time in recent memory. You should be proud of all you’ve achieved and the exceptional grace you showed while you were under so much pressure.”

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I don’t know that I’ve shown that much grace (unless you count showing Gracie in dog shows…but I’m pretty sure that’s not what it means), but I have grown. I feel capable. Energized. Maybe even renewed (although I can’t use that word without thinking of Ramona from “The Real Housewives of New York”). I even feel creative again. I’m definitely ready to take on the world. Or to at least take control of my life again.

PS: Hopefully, when you read me in a month, I won’t be railing against my stupid horoscope and how fucking off base it was!

*PSS: I felt this way BEFORE I read my horoscope. This (hopefully) confirms it.

Things could only be better if I were HERE