Snot Funny, Part 3 (And Hopefully The Final Chapter)

If you’re new here, here’s Part 1 and Part 2. PS: Parts of this post are totally gross.

**********

I know, I know. You’re sick of my snot. Me too.

But! I finally had my sinus surgery last Thursday. I had a septo and endoscoptic sinusotomy or something like that. All I know is there were three procedures done on me and I came out of there looking like I went 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, which is to say, I looked more bad-ass than I felt.

The surgery went well—once the doctor got me on the table I think I was out of there and back at home in a few hours. The nurses at the surgical center were awesome and the place offers one of the best amenities ever—warm blankets. It’s so simple and so genius. When you’re laying on a bed in a paper-thin gown and not much else, it’s fucking cold. Instead of tossing an equally paper-thin blanket over me, they gave me a big warm blanket to snuggle under while I waited.

There was a bit of a delay—the surgery before me ran long—so after sitting for an hour or so with a cold IV dripping into me, I was freezing my ass off and I was starting to freak out. Bill, my defender and advocate,  had a brief Shirley McClain in Terms of Endearment moment when he chased after the nurse yelling about getting me more warm blankets. His wife was cold, goddamn it.

I never loved him more than I did right then.

The drugs were obviously good because I don’t even remember them giving me anything. I scooched onto the operating table and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room.

I felt pretty decent—but totally out of it—the rest of the day, sitting up, chatting with Bill, watching some TV and taking to my parents and brother on the phone.

Then the morphine wore off, and Friday was a completely different kind of day.

It wasn’t so much that I was in a ton of pain. But after the surgery they packed my nose with what essentially amounted to tampons—cotton plugs meant to absorb all of the blood and mucus that was flowing freely.

That’s right—I was one sexy bitch, people.

I could only breathe through my mouth, which wasn’t bad when I was awake, but made sleeping brutal. I’d doze for an hour or so and then wake myself up because I’d develop some gross film in my gaping maw that made it hard to breathe. I’d try to clear my mouth with some water, but the stuff in my nose made it hard to eat or drink. The smallest sips of water or juice made me feel like I was drowning.

Everyone told me that as soon as that packing came out I’d feel a million times better, but when they told me to come back on Monday I thought, “You have got to be kidding me. That’s way too soon.” By Monday, it wasn’t soon enough.

I had three people (including the doctor) warn me that removing that stuff feels like my brains are being sucked out of my head. And they all used that exact phrasing. Probably because it’s the most accurate description for what happens. Removing that stuff was hands-down the worst part of the entire ordeal.

I sat in the chair, tilted my head back, gripped one of Bill’s hands with my left hand and gripped the chair arm with the other. My doctor put some forceps-type thing up my nose, grabbed the end of the packing and pulled. I heard this gross sloppy wet, slurping sound and I screwed my eyes shut and tried not to scream from the pain. It felt like he had reached into the back of my skull and slowly sucked out my brain matter. Bill actually watched and said it was like he removed two slugs from my nose. I guess after 5 days of absorbing snot and blood those cotton things swelled so much they were like twice the length of my nose and certainly more than double the width.

When they were finally out of my head I sat still for a minute to get oriented again.

Within 30 minutes I started to feel human again.

I hadn’t been able to really eat or drink since Wednesday night so Bill immediately took me to McDonald’s so I could get some food in me right away. That Diet Coke was the best Diet Coke I ever had in my life.

So I’m on the mend. I’m sleeping better, breathing better (although still kind of snotty) and I can eat and drink. I’m excited because I’m looking forward to feeling good again. I have felt so meh for so long, I’ve been unreasonably exhausted, uncharacteristically cranky and sick of feeling sick.

I’m thinking this was a good way to start my year.