A few years ago I got into it with a co-worker/subordinate (I hate that word). There were issues with work performance and I was trying to handle them professionally with this person. Even though I was in a management position, I was trying to be nice and not hurt this person’s feelings and probably softened my criticisms too much.
I wasn’t direct.
Until the employee snapped at me and said I was being passive-aggressive.
“There is NOTHING passive about my aggression toward you,” I snapped right back. (Those right there are some spectacular management skillz, yo.)
That’s when I stopped beating around the bush and got specific about her performance issues. I unloaded on her. There was about 6 months of stuff built up and I laid it all out in front of her in one big dump.
Needless to say, that was not one of my finest moments.
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I never considered myself passive-aggressive.
Really.
Okay, you can stop laughing now.
I’ll wait. *taps foot*
I can be an asshole. But not passive-aggressive. I feel like I’m pretty honest with my feelings and deal with them as they come up.
*snort*
The other day I came across an article on passive-aggressive behavior. The article says it stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. In fact, passive-aggressive people don’t even realize they are angry or resentful.
Huh.
Other highlights of the article:
• The passive aggressive often can’t trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
• The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
• They don’t communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can’t take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
• The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further from his/her desired relationship with you.
And my favorite line:
• Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone.
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Holy shit. Beware is right. I’m a professional sulker. I can sulk for days over the most minor things. Things that would be barely register as a blip on anyone else’s radar.
You just have to read a random post on this blog to realize just how passive-aggressive I really am.
Growing up I learned to stuff my feelings down and pretend everything is okay. I’m not sure how, when or why that started, though. But I was that quiet kid who was smaller than my classmates and I definitely displayed a really sensitive side that made me a target for kids in my class. I got picked on. A lot. Eventually, I realized that if I just shut my mouth and didn’t fight back (or God forbid—CRY), they’d lose interest in me and find another target.
But I guess I never really let that go. As I got older I developed a sharp tongue. Words are my weapons and my shield. I am a master at cutting someone down with a snarky comment, a sideways look, and then laughing it off like I’m joking. “Just kidding.”
Except I’m not.
Well, sometimes I am.
My passive-aggressiveness is a defense mechanism. I protect myself from getting hurt by keeping everyone at bay even when I desperately want them close to me.
There is definitely a lot of fear behind it. And insecurity. Lots of insecurity.
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For someone who makes her living communicating with people, my communication skills suck when it comes to my personal life. I am totally unable to tell people close to me that I’m upset about something. Even if it’s not at them. Bill is totally supposed to read my mind and my friends—if they really knew me—could figure out what’s wrong. And if you have feedback or criticism (no matter how constructive it is), I pretty much plug my ears with my fingers and sing “La, la, la, la.” ‘Cause I’m real mature like that.
Everything builds up until I can’t shove it down anymore and it just explodes.
And then I cry.
Crying is a big failure for me, yet I’ve pushed so much away for so long that I can’t hold a single conversation about things going on in my life without crying. Bill jokes that there isn’t a restaurant in L.A. that I haven’t cried in.
It’s not entirely true, but it’s not far off base.
*sigh*
It sucks.
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At almost 41 I feel like I’m coming into my own. Finally. And I’m more aware of my weaknesses, and I’m really trying hard to shore them up. I really am trying to work on it.
But I do think “There’s nothing passive about my aggression” was a good comeback.
*snort*
basically, that was about me. I do realize when I am being angry or resentful, but I definitely don’t deal with it in a healthy way – sulking and muttering to myself are favorites. And I will cry any time I have to talk about myself at all – even if it isn’t a sensitive subject or something I’m upset about. I’ve been thinking I could use some therapy for awhile now, but that would mean i have to talk about myself, so no, that probably won’t happen.
Love the comeback!
That is an awesome comeback though! Maybe not great for management style, but a solid 10 for comedic style. It doesn’t sound like she was not exhibiting good interpersonal skills either.
I’m not sure there’s anything all that wrong with being passive-aggressive. People always act like it is a bad thing, but there are much worse ways to deal with anger and such. I knew someone that had a previous boss throw a telephone book at them. She certainly wasn’t being passive but full on aggressive. And that’s gotta be much worse, right? So, you sulk a little bit or give someone the cold shoulder, it’s just your way of coping. We don’t all want to sit down and have a chat about our feelings over a mug of hot tea and then have a big hug afterward.
But I could just be saying that because quite often I am passive aggressive girl (yes, with the cape and everything).